Following the article I posted about Outward versus Inward Obedience, someone posed the question about how to handle a teen / preteen who was lying. I thought perhaps my comments to them might be helpful to someone else as well. Below is the response.
I wouldn't hesitate to spank a preteen for lying. Generally I think spanking should be reserved for younger children and direct disobedience, but there are circumstances where I do think it's appropriate to spank a preteen for lyi...ng. (I probably would not spank a teenager. At that point, I think there are other things you can do and besides, I believe they are accountable for themselves at that age and you have to appeal to them in a different way. Biblically I think teenagers are adults and not only should be treated as such, but should have appropriate consequences, which do NOT include spanking, but might include a breech of trust, for example. If you can't trust him/her and the child asks to do something that involves trust (like going somewhere with a friend), well, the answer would be NO until that child can regain your trust.
I would also keep the following in mind...
First, WHY is the child lying? Is he afraid he is going to get in TROUBLE? We've always made it VERY clear to our kids that they'll get in a whole heck of a lot more trouble if they lie. Make it to their advantage to tell you the truth. : ) If parents haven't done this in the past, I don't think it's ever too late to start. Just have a chat w/ your children, lay the new ground rules and go from there.
Second, WHEN is the child lying? Does he/she lie more to mom or dad or when siblings / friends are present, etc.? Try to make note of this and avoid that situation.
Many parents put their children on the spot and for some kids, they just speak before they think. Give your kids an opportunity to THINK about what they want to say and then answer your question. For example, if you think your child did something and you go to them and say, "Did you do this?!?" A lot of children will lie automatically. If you go to them and say, "You know... I want to talk with you about something, but I do NOT want you to answer right now. Since you've had some difficulty with being honest lately (be honest with them about this!!), I think it would be best if you let me ask you this question and then you sit here and think about it for a few minutes. I will come back in about five minutes, unless you would like to come to me first, and ask you again. What I'm wondering about is whether you hit your brother. If you tell me the truth, you will NOT be punished, but you will still have to apologize and make restitution (always - an apology and restitution are NOT negotiable). If you lie about it and I find out that you've lied, you will not only receive a spanking (younger kids), but you will also lose your computer and tv time for a week."
Finally, I think some parents forget to approach children with a kind tone in a non-aggressive manner. Be gentle. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Even if you KNOW they did it (as parents often do), give them the opportunity to be HONEST with you, confess their sins, and ask forgiveness. This will create a better relationship than if the parent automatically accuses the child, which many parents do when they already know if the child did it. Even children respond defensively when parents do this... like most adults would.
Those are mostly more tips on avoiding the lying in the first place. I just think prevention is much better than punishment after the fact. And truly, I believe that if you do most of these things, the lying will be reduced. I'm not saying that no kid will lie, but certainly we've found even with other children who stay with us who lie a lot, they tend not to lie when we present them with these options. They LIKE to be in control of their own destiny. If you let THEM choose whether to be punished or not punished, most will choose not to lie about something.
Now, with all that said ... let's say you KNOW your child did something because you have the evidence. Let's say you told them not to get on the computer, but you go to the history and find out that they were on the computer and to top it off, they were on a bad website! You ask them about it, give them time to think about their answer, and then they STILL lie to you. If they were younger, I'd spank them. Regardless of age, I would show them the evidence - pull up the history. Show them that you KNOW they were on it. (And be sure no one else had access to the computer in your home. Make sure your dh or no one else accessed that computer.) Then see what they say. Regardless of what they say, if you know they did it, punishment is necessary. For something like that, I would not allow them to be on the computer for at least a week. If they were on a "bad" website, I wouldn't let them on for a MONTH! I'm not kidding. And even then, I would make sure the parent did their part, too - putting safety controls on computer, etc. And then monitor computer time. You don't want your child developing an addition to something like pornography just because the parent didn't want to take the time to address the issue. (And of course I'm not talking about YOU. I know you would address it.)
Basically just as you would for any transgression, try to make the punishment fit the "crime" as much as possible. If they've lied about getting on the computer, then don't allow them access t...o the computer. If they lie about completing chores, give them extra chores - an unpleasant one! If they lie about where they are going, then they have to have a parent or other trustworthy escort in the future until you trust them again. If their lies are about basic stuff - who drank the last milk and put the container back in the fridge or who took someone's candy, etc. ... generally on these types of issues, I think the child lies because the parent has overreacted in the past. Let him/her KNOW that you are NOT going to do that!!!
Yesterday I opened the fridge and there was a gallon of milk in there. I pulled it out to mash potatoes and there was not even a DROP of milk in the container. I yelled out to the children and said, "Guys, who just drank all the milk and put the empty container back in the fridge?!?" Christopher came in the kitchen and said he had done that. He was HONEST. He told the TRUTH. Rather than go into a tirade about how irresponsible that was, how he shouldn't do that, etc., I just gently reminded him that it's best if he takes it out to the trash can and then... well, I had him TAKE IT OUT to the trash can! In other words, he had to do what he was trying to avoid in the first place, but no amount of yelling or no punishment would have made a difference as much as simply letting him do what he should have done to begin with. I think parents just get worked up over ridiculous things sometimes and if they'd just remember what it's like to be a kid and encourage their children rather than tearing them down, we'd all be a lot happier.
So my answer to your question... in addition to all the things I said above (LOL!!)... is to try and find the reason they are lying. Praise them when they tell the truth. Ensure them that you will punish them either way, but the punishment will be much worse if they lie about it. And then make sure you follow through with what you've said. Do not punish them as severely if they do tell the truth. Sometimes it takes kids a while to develop that trust again. Much of this depends on why they are lying so I would definitely consider all the issues I said in the last post - situation, previous punishments, person they're talking to, etc. WHY are they lying to you???
If this is something you'd rather discuss more privately, feel free to e-mail me. Otherwise, I hope these more detailed answers have helped you a little more.
Sonya Haskins
www.thehomeschooladvocate.com
I wouldn't hesitate to spank a preteen for lying. Generally I think spanking should be reserved for younger children and direct disobedience, but there are circumstances where I do think it's appropriate to spank a preteen for lyi...ng. (I probably would not spank a teenager. At that point, I think there are other things you can do and besides, I believe they are accountable for themselves at that age and you have to appeal to them in a different way. Biblically I think teenagers are adults and not only should be treated as such, but should have appropriate consequences, which do NOT include spanking, but might include a breech of trust, for example. If you can't trust him/her and the child asks to do something that involves trust (like going somewhere with a friend), well, the answer would be NO until that child can regain your trust.
I would also keep the following in mind...
First, WHY is the child lying? Is he afraid he is going to get in TROUBLE? We've always made it VERY clear to our kids that they'll get in a whole heck of a lot more trouble if they lie. Make it to their advantage to tell you the truth. : ) If parents haven't done this in the past, I don't think it's ever too late to start. Just have a chat w/ your children, lay the new ground rules and go from there.
Second, WHEN is the child lying? Does he/she lie more to mom or dad or when siblings / friends are present, etc.? Try to make note of this and avoid that situation.
Many parents put their children on the spot and for some kids, they just speak before they think. Give your kids an opportunity to THINK about what they want to say and then answer your question. For example, if you think your child did something and you go to them and say, "Did you do this?!?" A lot of children will lie automatically. If you go to them and say, "You know... I want to talk with you about something, but I do NOT want you to answer right now. Since you've had some difficulty with being honest lately (be honest with them about this!!), I think it would be best if you let me ask you this question and then you sit here and think about it for a few minutes. I will come back in about five minutes, unless you would like to come to me first, and ask you again. What I'm wondering about is whether you hit your brother. If you tell me the truth, you will NOT be punished, but you will still have to apologize and make restitution (always - an apology and restitution are NOT negotiable). If you lie about it and I find out that you've lied, you will not only receive a spanking (younger kids), but you will also lose your computer and tv time for a week."
Finally, I think some parents forget to approach children with a kind tone in a non-aggressive manner. Be gentle. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Even if you KNOW they did it (as parents often do), give them the opportunity to be HONEST with you, confess their sins, and ask forgiveness. This will create a better relationship than if the parent automatically accuses the child, which many parents do when they already know if the child did it. Even children respond defensively when parents do this... like most adults would.
Those are mostly more tips on avoiding the lying in the first place. I just think prevention is much better than punishment after the fact. And truly, I believe that if you do most of these things, the lying will be reduced. I'm not saying that no kid will lie, but certainly we've found even with other children who stay with us who lie a lot, they tend not to lie when we present them with these options. They LIKE to be in control of their own destiny. If you let THEM choose whether to be punished or not punished, most will choose not to lie about something.
Now, with all that said ... let's say you KNOW your child did something because you have the evidence. Let's say you told them not to get on the computer, but you go to the history and find out that they were on the computer and to top it off, they were on a bad website! You ask them about it, give them time to think about their answer, and then they STILL lie to you. If they were younger, I'd spank them. Regardless of age, I would show them the evidence - pull up the history. Show them that you KNOW they were on it. (And be sure no one else had access to the computer in your home. Make sure your dh or no one else accessed that computer.) Then see what they say. Regardless of what they say, if you know they did it, punishment is necessary. For something like that, I would not allow them to be on the computer for at least a week. If they were on a "bad" website, I wouldn't let them on for a MONTH! I'm not kidding. And even then, I would make sure the parent did their part, too - putting safety controls on computer, etc. And then monitor computer time. You don't want your child developing an addition to something like pornography just because the parent didn't want to take the time to address the issue. (And of course I'm not talking about YOU. I know you would address it.)
Basically just as you would for any transgression, try to make the punishment fit the "crime" as much as possible. If they've lied about getting on the computer, then don't allow them access t...o the computer. If they lie about completing chores, give them extra chores - an unpleasant one! If they lie about where they are going, then they have to have a parent or other trustworthy escort in the future until you trust them again. If their lies are about basic stuff - who drank the last milk and put the container back in the fridge or who took someone's candy, etc. ... generally on these types of issues, I think the child lies because the parent has overreacted in the past. Let him/her KNOW that you are NOT going to do that!!!
Yesterday I opened the fridge and there was a gallon of milk in there. I pulled it out to mash potatoes and there was not even a DROP of milk in the container. I yelled out to the children and said, "Guys, who just drank all the milk and put the empty container back in the fridge?!?" Christopher came in the kitchen and said he had done that. He was HONEST. He told the TRUTH. Rather than go into a tirade about how irresponsible that was, how he shouldn't do that, etc., I just gently reminded him that it's best if he takes it out to the trash can and then... well, I had him TAKE IT OUT to the trash can! In other words, he had to do what he was trying to avoid in the first place, but no amount of yelling or no punishment would have made a difference as much as simply letting him do what he should have done to begin with. I think parents just get worked up over ridiculous things sometimes and if they'd just remember what it's like to be a kid and encourage their children rather than tearing them down, we'd all be a lot happier.
So my answer to your question... in addition to all the things I said above (LOL!!)... is to try and find the reason they are lying. Praise them when they tell the truth. Ensure them that you will punish them either way, but the punishment will be much worse if they lie about it. And then make sure you follow through with what you've said. Do not punish them as severely if they do tell the truth. Sometimes it takes kids a while to develop that trust again. Much of this depends on why they are lying so I would definitely consider all the issues I said in the last post - situation, previous punishments, person they're talking to, etc. WHY are they lying to you???
If this is something you'd rather discuss more privately, feel free to e-mail me. Otherwise, I hope these more detailed answers have helped you a little more.
Sonya Haskins
www.thehomeschooladvocate.com
No comments:
Post a Comment